your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
MIDGETS
????
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Randomize
