Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
