We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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