I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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