I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
