my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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