hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
