jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
