I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
