I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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