my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
