how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
