Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
