Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
