you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
