i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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