How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
