I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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