im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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