so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
