He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
