i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
