YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
