I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
