I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
