Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
