the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
