Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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