If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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