everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
