Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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