the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
