I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
