yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
