I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
