i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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