so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways