I looked at my own cervix.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
