New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
