Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
