We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
