Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
