Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
