my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC