those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
