i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.