No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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