I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
