Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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