My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
