; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
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Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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