Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
