I'm gonna have a badass scar
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
