Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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