just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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