He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
