Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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