I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
