PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think i got beer on your cat.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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