I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
