Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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