so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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