You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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